A Second Or Third Opinion
by Red Witch
Summary: There may be other reasons Archer has been in a coma for so long.


** The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is doing cartwheels. Well it's official, season 11 is on the way. Here is my explanation of why it actually took Archer over three years to wake up out of the coma. References the story Diagnosis Archer. Here Mallory gets…**

**A Second Or Third Opinion **

"Well," Mallory put down her book as she sat by her son's bedside. "I finally did it. I finally read Madame Bovary. One of the world's great classics of literature that I have been meaning to read for ages. And I have to agree with the critics…This book is a waste of a good slut!"

"Seriously, I could do in **one weekend** what this bitch did in an entire book. And I wouldn't need to munch arsenic to get out of debt. My life story is ten times more interesting than this. I could write a book better than this."

"You would think a man who spent half his life having affairs with prostitutes and contracting several forms of venereal disease would write a more interesting book."

Mallory sighed. "Well I said I would use this time to try and do the things I never had time to do with my career. I suppose that includes spending time with you. Spoiler alert, nothing is living up to the hype."

"Hello Ms. Archer," Dr. Denton walked in carrying a clipboard. "How are you doing?"

"Oh, just peachy," Mallory grumbled as she stood up to stretch. "It's a thrill a minute."

"Don't get so downhearted Ms. Archer," Dr. Denton remarked. "Your son could be way worse than this. And if I may say so, he's lucky that he is in one of the best hospitals in the country!"

"Can I get a second opinion on that?" Mallory groaned. "Maybe a **third?"**

"Ms. Archer I don't like to brag," Dr. Denton said. "But I am the best doctor in this hospital. Well that's a lie. I **do** like to brag about that. I even have several awards in my office."

"Goody for you," Mallory sighed. "Can you use those awards to figure out why my son is **still** in a coma? I mean he's been shot before and always bounced back. I don't understand what's taking so long."

"Besides the brain damage?" Dr. Denton asked.

"It can't be **that,"** Mallory waved. "Sterling barely uses his brain as it is. It feels like he's milking this coma."

"There may other reasons. There is more to your son's condition that I haven't told you about," Dr. Denton coughed.

"**More?"** Mallory was stunned. "More than the gunshot wounds, the infection from the gunshot wounds, the brain damage from near drowning, the **other brain damage** from the concussion he obtained in that minor ambulance accident, the minor fracture in his foot from that same ambulance accident, the venereal disease, the high cholesterol and sugar levels, his minor liver damage and his high blood pressure? What could be more than **that?"**

"Oh," Dr. Denton blinked. "I **did** tell you about the high cholesterol and high sugar levels. That's a relief."

"If you're the best doctor in this hospital I'd hate to see the **worst**," Mallory groaned.

"However, there is a little more damage than what we first discovered," Dr. Denton admitted.

"Oh, for the love of…" Mallory fumed. "What **now?"**

"Remember when I said there was some **minor **liver damage?" Dr. Denton asked. "It was a little more than minor. In fact, it's probably lucky for him that he did go into a coma because if he didn't stop drinking right away, he'd have been dead within a few months."

"Oh…" Mallory was stunned. "When you say stop drinking…?"

"And remember when I said your son had high cholesterol?" Dr. Denton asked.

"About two seconds ago? Yes," Mallory said acidly.

"By high I meant **astronomic**," Dr. Denton said. "If this coma hadn't happened your son would have had a heart attack within a few weeks. Which quite frankly makes the liver damage pale in comparison. Good news! His liver is much better and his cholesterol is almost back down to acceptable levels! And so is his sugar level. Which means your son doesn't have diabetes anymore!"

"My son had **diabetes?**" Mallory shouted.

"Early stages yes," Dr. Denton nodded. "He got this coma just in time to reverse it!"

"Oh well this coma **has** been a blessing," Mallory said sarcastically.

"I know you're being sarcastic," Dr. Denton said. "But in his case, it really was. Especially since we found those pre-cancerous polyps in his colon."

"HIS **WHAT?**" Mallory did a double take.

"That reminds me," Dr. Denton said as he took out a paper. "We need your signature to remove them. I think if we get them out today, he should be fine."

"Wait, what's this about cancerous _polyps?_" Mallory asked in a stunned voice.

"We do exams on our coma patients and something came up on the tests," Dr. Denton explained. "So, we did a colonoscopy just to make sure. Found some polyps that are a little on the dodgy side…"

"Oh, dear God," Mallory groaned. "Let me guess, you're going to charge me for this?"

"Well it is **cancer,"** Dr. Denton said. "And we are removing them in a simple lifesaving procedure."

"Fine!" Mallory signed the paper on the wall. "Do what you have to do! Is there **anything else **about my son's condition I should be aware of?"

"Well, now that you mention it," Dr. Denton began.

"**What?"** Mallory was exasperated as she gave Dr. Denton the form.

"How do I put this delicately?" Dr. Denton said.

"Why start **now**?" Mallory rolled her eyes.

"How aware are you about your son's…drug habit?" Dr. Denton asked. "I mean of course his consumption of drugs **besides** alcohol."

"Uhhh…." Mallory paused.

FLASHBACK!

"Mother…" A five-year-old Archer sniffed as he stood at the door of his mother's bedroom. "I had a bad dream…"

"Oh, for the love of God…" A younger Mallory groaned as she sat up from her bed. "Woodhouse! Where the hell are you?"

"He's not here," Young Archer sniffed. "You sent him away to California."

"Why the hell would I…?" Mallory did a double take. "Oh, that's right. I needed him to deliver some things for me. And to score some primo hash."

"Mother…" Young Archer sniffed.

"I really need another servant," Mallory grumbled as she got up and went to her cabinet. "Damn it. I can't afford another one on what I'm getting on these Mickey Mouse freelance assignments."

"I'm scared…" Young Archer whimpered.

"Here!" Mallory shoved some pills down Young Archer's throat. "Take some of Mother's sleeping pills. And wash it down with some scotch. Wait, not my good scotch. This one."

FLASHBACK!

Mallory was with a man in her living room looking at Young Archer. "Sterling Darling, Mother is entertaining…" She handed Young Archer some pills. "Have some candy."

"Uh if this is a problem…" The man remarked.

"Relax," Mallory whispered to him. "They're chewable sleeping pills. In about ten minutes he'll be out like a light."

"Yeah but…" The man blinked as Young Archer ate the pills.

"Trust me," Mallory waved. "We could have a marching band in here and he won't notice."

FLASHBACK!

"Sterling, I'm going to be spending some time with your Uncle Freddy here," Mallory was with another man. "Have some candy."

FLASHBACK!

"Sterling this is your Uncle Tom," Mallory introduced another man.

"Ted," The man said.

"Whatever," Mallory rolled her eyes. "How about some candy?"

FLASHBACK

"Hello Sterling…" Mallory remarked. She was wearing a silver mask and a black leather outfit. Several other people were wearing masks and leather. "Mother is having a little party…How about some candy?"

FLASHBACK!

A nine-year-old Archer staged around the apartment. "Oohh! The walls are melting! Mother the walls are melting!"

"Oh, calm down Sterling," Mallory waved. "You're just having a bad acid trip. That should teach you to steal from Mother's purse!"

FLASHBACK!

"Alligators!" Young Archer was on top of a table. "There are alligators everywhere! And they want to eat me!"

"God, I hate spring break," Mallory groaned as she was trying to read a newspaper. "Sterling, what did I tell you about stealing from my purse?"

FLASHBACK!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Young Archer was freaking out on the couch.

Mallory looked at him with distain. "You're not that bright are you, Sterling?"

FLASHBACK!

Young Archer was in the hospital. Woodhouse was by his side. "Here young master," Woodhouse gave Young Archer some pills. "These will make you feel better."

"Is this aspirin?" Young Archer moaned in pain.

"It's something…" Woodhouse whistled. "By the way don't freak out if you start to see the walls melt. That's just part of the process."

FLASHBACK!

Mallory was with another man. "Sterling…"

"I know the drill," Young Archer groaned. "Just give me the damn sleeping pills."

FLASHBACK!

Young Archer was in the hospital again. "Woodhouse do you have those wall melting acid pills?" He asked his valet. "Once you get past the walls melting, they were kind of fun."

FLASHBACK!

"Oh, for crying out loud Sterling," Mallory held a cloth next to Young Archer's leg. "It's just a through and through. You'll be fine. You act like you've never been shot before."

"I have never been shot **before!"** Young Archer wailed.

"Oh right," Mallory realized. "Well this calls for a celebration! Congratulations! You not only get the big boy scotch; you get some of Mommy's extra special pills!"

She looked around the pool area. There was a half sunken car in a pool and several dead assassins all around. "Of course, we're going to have to work on your shooting. And your driving."

FLASHBACK!

"Sterling Mallory Archer!" Mallory gasped as she caught her teenage son smoking a joint in his room. "What are you doing?"

"Uhh…" Teenage Archer blinked.

"Let me **see that**!" She took the joint. "Did you roll this **yourself?** God! This is the sloppiest joint I've ever seen! Even Woodhouse makes a tighter joint than this! All right, pay attention Sterling. Mother is going to properly teach you how to do this!"

FLASHBACK!

Teenage Archer was in the hospital again. "Who shoots a teenage lacrosse player in the **stomach?**" Mallory grumbled as she sat next to her son. "Honestly! Everybody knows if you want to take him out, you do it in **the leg!** What is it with you and idiot whores?"

"Ohhh…." Teenage Archer moaned.

"Here," Mallory sighed as she rummaged in her purse. "I was saving these for later but I suppose you need them more. I was planning on getting an extra batch this week anyway."

"Are they aspirin…?" Teenage Archer moaned.

"They're…something," Mallory paused.

FLASHBACK!

"WHOOO!" College Archer whooped as he partied in a frat house. "Beer and Bong Parties are the best!"

"Aren't exams tomorrow?" A young woman dancing with him asked.

"Eh, not important," College Archer waved. "Doesn't matter."

FLASHBACK!

"WHOOO!" College Archer whooped as he partied some more in another frat house. "Beer and Bong parties are awesome!"

"Dude didn't you get expelled like a **week ago**?" Another college boy called out.

"Like that matters," College Archer waved.

FLASHBACK!

"WHOO! BEER AND BONG PARTIES RULE!" College Archer was drinking and smoking a bong on the couch.

Several frat boys looked very angry. "Dude! It's three AM on a weekday! Some of us need to **sleep!**" One teenage boy snapped. "Didn't this guy get the rules manual for this house?"

"This guy isn't a member," Another boy told him. "He doesn't even go to this college anymore! He just showed up to a party we had two months ago and wouldn't leave!"

"Guys, guys," College Archer hiccupped. "Guys. Guys. Guys…Guys. We should totally join the Air Force! We'd be like Tom Cruise! Danger Zone!"

"I'm calling campus security," The first frat boy groaned.

FLASHBACK TO THE SPY AGENCY YEARS!

"WHOOO!" Archer whooped as he smoked a bong in a warehouse. "Infiltrating drug smuggling rings rocks!"

Several men pointed their guns at him. "_What?_" Archer asked, very annoyed.

FLASHBACK!

Archer was in a middle eastern house somewhere smoking a hookah. "God, I **love** being a spy. Best part is infiltrating drug smuggling rings. No wait, wait…The best part is infiltrating drug smuggling rings and having sex with the boss's girlfriend."

Several angry men turned their guns on him. _"What?"_ Archer asked, very annoyed. "Guys you're harshing my mellow here."

FLASHBACK!

"Hey Krieger," Archer asked as he visited Krieger's lab. "I'm feeling a little low. You got any new pills that will perk me up?"

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger handed him some.

Archer downed them. "Yeah this is the stuff. Thanks Krieger."

Krieger remarked. "Let me know if you go blind okay?"

FLASHBACK!

"Hey Krieger," Archer was eating some gummy bears. "You should try these gummy bears I scored from Carol's desk. They're really good."

"Wait," Krieger did a double take. "You got those gummy bears from **Carol's desk?"**

"Yeah why?" Archer asked.

"Oooh, buddy…" Krieger winced. "There's something you should know…"

FLASHBACK!

"Hey Krieger I need a breath strip," Archer swiped a pack from Krieger's pocket.

"Archer, those are my LSD breath strips!" Krieger protested. "I mean it will leave your mouth minty fresh but…"

"Looks like I'm going on a trip," Archer snickered. "Ooh, these have a nice kick."

FLASHBACK!

"Krieger," Archer poked his head in. "Mother's calling me in for another stupid meeting. Do you have any more of those breath strips?"

FLASHBACK!

Archer was downing some pills straight from the bottle.

FLASHBACK!

Archer downing more pills straight from the bottle. Then a bottle of scotch.

FLASHBACK!

A chemo filled Archer was on a bathroom floor smoking a joint during his revenge rampage in Placebo Effect.

FLASHBACK!

A healthier Archer was taking some pills. Then he took some different pills. "Hey Krieger! I just discovered something. Codeine and Dexedrine are really good together! Who'd have known? I'm going to have some adventures with Dex and Cody! HA! HA!"

FLASHBACK!

"They're **everywhere!"** Archer was hiding under his desk completely naked, holding a gun. "The Cyborg Alligator Army is everywhere!" He started firing randomly.

"Damn it, Krieger!" Mallory was heard in the distance. "Did you put drugs in the drinking water again?"

"Not on **purpose**!" Krieger was heard shouting.

BANG!

"OW!" Brett was heard. "DAMN IT ARCHER!"

"Alligators! Go after Brett!" Archer shouted. "He has the smell of blood on him!"

FLASHBACK!

"Sterling!" Mallory snapped as she addressed her son in her office. "Did you take my pills from my purse again? I thought you learned this lesson years ago?"

"I did," Archer said slightly tipsy. "I learned that's where the **good stuff** is! Ooh, look at the birdies…" He then passed out on the floor.

Mallory sighed. "Can't have anything nice…"

FLASHBACK!

The Tunt Manor kitchen…

"Sterling! For the love of God!" Mallory snapped. "Are you eating some of Pam's damn cocaine pudding?"

Archer had a pudding cup in one hand and a spoon in the other. There was white pudding all over his face. "No..." He mumbled; his mouth full of pudding.

FLASHBACK!

"So, what does this drug do Krieger?" Archer looked at a pill in Krieger's lab.

"Not sure yet," Krieger remarked.

"Well only one way to find out," Archer downed it quickly. "But if I go blind again, I am going to kick your ass."

"Fair enough," Krieger nodded.

FLASHBACK!

Archer being shot by several tranquilizer darts before falling down.

FLASHBACK!

A beat-up Archer swallowing more pills.

FLASHBACK!

Archer beat up again swallowing even more pills.

FLASHBACK!

"Hey Krieger," Archer walked into Krieger's lab. "I'm having a hard time sleeping. AJ kept me up all night screaming so…"

Krieger calmly shot Archer with a tranquilizer dart. "Thank you…" Archer warbled before falling down asleep.

FLASHFORWARD TO THE PRESENT!

"I had no idea my son was experimenting with drugs of **any kind,"** Mallory said with a straight face. "Why?"

"Besides there were an unusually high concoction of chemicals we had no idea **existed**…" Dr. Denton remarked. "Or could exist in a human body that survived it…It appears there were some after affects from the drugs. Not as severe as death which honestly should have happened a long time ago but still…"

"What **now**?" Mallory was frustrated. "**What else** is wrong with Sterling?"

"The drugs may have contributed to some of his brain damage," Dr. Denton remarked. "I mean not as much as the concussion, the lack of oxygen to his brain when he was shot and nearly drowned and of course his chronic alcoholism. But it doesn't help."

"I've known Sterling was **brain damaged** for some time," Mallory remarked. "What else?"

"There is some slight nerve damage," Dr. Denton added. "Of course, some of that damage is due to the extensive trauma your son's body had endured over the years. Particularly in the legs. But again, the drugs didn't help. Speaking of which, we've also noticed that your son's bones have a slight case of osteoporosis."

"How is that **possible?**" Mallory snapped. "Osteoporosis only happens to **old people**! Sterling's only…Thirty-something. I think."

"You _think?"_ Dr. Denton did a double take.

Mallory huffed. "Don't look at me like **that!** I've changed my age a couple of times for business reasons and I've had my son lie about his age to coincide with my age. And then I changed it to a more reasonable age. And then he decided to change his age to get some younger women so I said yeah why not play along? Maybe I'll get some younger men? Then I changed my age again and he changed his age again…The point is that my son is **too young** to have osteoporosis!"

"That is a myth," Dr. Denton said. "Alcohol and drug use can interfere with the body's use and absorption of calcium. Which results in weakened and fragile bones. When and if your son wakes up, he really should start taking some multivitamins. And more Vitamin D. And you know? Less alcohol. More milk."

"The only time my son drinks milk is when he's drinking a White Russian!" Mallory snapped.

"Well **that** needs to change," Dr. Denton said. "We've been feeding your son some Vitamin D and some other vitamin treatments intravenously in order to combat the damage."

Mallory made a noise of frustration. "Okay. Other than the cancerous polyps in his colon, which I'm giving you a pass on because you just found out about that. Good to know you people are on the ball on _some things_. Why the hell didn't you tell me about the liver damage, the diabetes, the nerve damage, the extra brain damage and the osteoporosis in the **first place?"**

"Honestly," Dr. Denton said. "I didn't want to worry you any more than you were already worried. To be honest, the odds of your son being dead within a few weeks were like fifty-fifty. Why add to your fears any more than I had to? I mean I had _no idea_ this coma thing was going to last **this long!"**

"You are not the first to come to **that conclusion**," Mallory sighed.

"I have to tell you Ms. Archer," Dr. Denton went on. "Everybody at this hospital here is astounded at how long this has gone on. I mean, your son surviving this long…Being around way longer than we thought. We're amazed and overjoyed by this. To use a Spinal Tap reference, he's turned it up to eleven. Waaayyy longer than we thought would go on."

"Again, not the first person to think that," Mallory admitted.

"We thought he was done by seven," Dr. Denton kept talking. "AM. The night he was brought in. Then he kept going and then we thought okay he's done by ten…weeks. Ten weeks ago. But no. He just keeps hanging in there. I tell you Ms. Archer, we have all been rooting for that scrappy son of yours. Especially the gang in the Hospital Billing department."

"I can **imagine,**" Mallory grumbled.

"Nurse Station Four is a little grumpy," Dr. Denton said. "But that's only because they had seven in the pool. Seven weeks that is."

"Isn't there a procedure you should be doing **now** Doctor?" Mallory pointed.

"Oh right," Dr. Denton nodded. "That would be helpful wouldn't it?"

"Yes, **very!**" Mallory said acidly.

"Better get right to it," Dr. Denton remarked. "By the way, just so you know. Your son needs to have a colonoscopy every five years after this. Just to be safe."

"I'll pencil it in," Mallory groaned.

"All right people! We are greenlighted! For **11!**" Dr. Denton called out to his staff. "O'clock in surgery! Move 'em out!"

Mallory stood there as they wheeled Archer out. "Should we give him anesthesia doctor?" A nurse asked.

"The man is in a coma," Dr. Denton explained. "Not necessary. And sometimes coma patients wake up in the middle of these things so…Fingers crossed people!"

"That's **it,"** Mallory took out her phone. "I'm looking up hospitals in New York. I can't take this crazy state anymore! Best hospitals for coma patients in New York…Preferably near a bar."


End file.
